And now, for something completely different

Letter from Cuba

This "joke email" is making the rounds in Brazil. I translated it and posted it. It would be funnier if it wasn't so realistic. At least some here get the irony..


All the family in Cuba was surprised when a coffin arrived from Miami with the corpse of a beloved aunt. The body was so tight in the coffin that her face was pasted on the crystal display ... When they opened the coffin they found a letter stuck to the clothes with a pin, which read:


'Dear Mom and Dad:

I am sending you the remains of Aunt Josefa to do her burial in Cuba, as she wanted. Sorry for not being able to accompany her, but you will understand that I had spend so much on all the things, and take advantage of the circumstances.

You will find inside the coffin, under the body, the following:

9 cans of Bumble Bee tuna,
10 8oz bottles of shampoo and conditioner Paul Mitchell
12 jars of Vaseline Intensive Care (very good for the skin. It is not for cooking!)
12 tubes of Crest toothpaste,
12 toothbrushes,
10 cans of good SPAM (they are from Spain)
4 cans of sausage El Miño.

Share with the family, no fights!

On her feet are a pair of new Reebok shoes size 39 for Joseíto (it's for him, remember when Uncle Pupo died he didn’t receive anything and cried for weeks).

Under the head there are 4 pairs of new socks for c Antony’s children of, they are of different colors (please, I repeat, no fighting!). She is wearing 15 sweaters Ralph Lauren, one is for Robby and the other for the children and grandchildren.

She also uses a dozen Wonder Bra’s (my favorite), divide among women;

Also there 20 Revlon nail polish removers that are in the corners of the coffin. The three dozen panties Victoria's Secret should be distributed among my nieces and cousins.

Our dear aunt is also dressed with nine Docker's pants and 3 pair’s of Levi jeans. Dad, stay with one of each and the others are for boys. The Swiss watch Dad asked me for is on the left wrist. She is also using the jewelry mom asked (bracelets, rings, etc.).

The collar she is using is for cousin Rebecca, and also the rings that she has on her feet. The eight pairs of Chanel stockings that she wears are to be shared between the neighbors and friends, or if you want, sell it (please do not fight for these things, do not fight).

The dentures put in auntie's mouth are for Grandpa, who even though does not have much to chew, with these it will be easier (they were very expensive).

The bifocals are for Alfredito because they are the same prescription he uses, and also the hat on her head. The hearing aids she has the ears are for Carola. They are not exactly what she needs, but use them anyway because they are expensive.

Auntie's eyes are not her own, they are made of glass. Take them out and you will find the gold chain for Gustavo and a diamond ring for Katiuska’s wedding.

The platinum wig, with golden reflections, which she is wearing is also for Katiuska, which will shine, beautifully on her wedding day.

With love, your daughter

Carmencita.

PS1: Please, make an outfit to wear her aunt's funeral and hold a Mass for the repose of her soul, because she really helped even after her death. As you noticed the coffin is made of good wood (resists termites) you can take it apart and fix the feet of Mama's bed and other home repairs.

The glass coffin serves to frame abuelita’s photograph that years ago needed replacing. With the lining of the coffin, which is white satin (U.S. $ 20.99 a meter) Katiuska can make her wedding dress.

In the joy of these gifts, do not forget to dress to her for funeral!

With love,

Carmencita ..

PS2: With the death of Aunt Josepha, Aunt Blanca fell ill. Make requests in moderation. A bicycle will not fit or neither will 1968 Lada carburetor, nobody’s even heard of that here.

Right of Reply

I guess it wouldn't be a blog without controversy. It seems last week I may have been a bit hasty and took a bit too much poetic license when I said my Mom forwarded superfluous emails. She brought it up to me, and upon further review, I would like to retract some of those statements and publicly apologize. So here goes:
Mama, you are right, I was wrong, and I am sorry for making it seem like you forwarded silly spam emails. Sorry Ma, I love you, always have, always will.
Here is the note I got from my Mom:

To set the record straight; As a matter of fact, I'm the one (Danny's MAMA) who does NOT forward ANY Email until I check snopes.com. I NEVER have. That includes Mr. Kangaroo and Mr Green Jeans were war heroes through Obama does not salute the flag, to AOL will send 10 cents foe every Email you forward, to Bill Gates will share his fortune (I'm in math, remember? I know about GEOMETRIC PROGRESSION) to whatever. All my friends ask me if something is true or a hoax and have been doing it for YEARS. The jokes, yes, I admit I used to forward everything. Now I am choosier. You ARE getting old and beginning to forget and/or confuse things. I mean it! I may forgive you, Danny but only because you are my son and I love you.

Mama

Spoken like only a mother can do!! Once again Ma, I love ya!!

Joke E-Mails

When my mom (Mama!! I love ya!!) first got her email and started to use the web, she would forward me every joke, every "help Johnny collect a world record number of business cards before he dies of (insert rare terminal illness here)", every "don't stick your fingers in the change slot of the pay phone, lest you prick your fingers with an AIDS infested pin", you guys get the point. I guess she was excited about having an email, and she only wanted to make me laugh, or be alert and careful, like any Mom. With time, she got better. A lot better. The quality of what she forwarded improved. Now, rather than roll my eyes, I can be sure that whatever she sent will be enjoyable, and most get a good laugh out of me. It may be silly, but this one made me laugh, so thanks Ma!!

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'